It may seem strange to write down the details of the surgery that removed snickers. In the last few days I have realized that I don’t know how to deal with grief this deep, I think writing it down is a way to work though it. I am terrified to talk to people about it in real life. Yesterday church was excruciating, i sat there for the whole service afraid that someone would come over. I have crying in front of people, and I knew that even a look could cause me to ugly cry. Anyway. So here I am writing down the details of the surgery, also i found posts like this very helpful in making my decision and in preparing for the procedure.

 I also want to write down everything I remember about anything that had anything to do with this child. As I sit here the IV scar on my hand is fading and that is making me inexplicably sad. I feel like there is no tangible evidence to show that this baby lived. But he or she did, inside of me. A little heart beating.

**This post may contain graphic things like bleeding, it also may be hard to follow, I am writing down what I remember**

On Friday morning we got up at 5am , I don’t think either of us slept much anyway. I took a shower, numb thinking that we were supposed to be 13 weeks, not on our way to the hospital for a dilation and curettage. We got Reese up, put him in some warm clothes and set out for the hospital. On the way my body started to go into labor or miscarriage or whatever you call it. What a ridiculous scene, a woman in the front seat breathing through painful contractions, a husband nervously speeding to the hospital all in the early morning to deliver nothing.
We got to the hospital by 6 the cramps were coming every one minute and forty seconds. I was terrified that I was going to pass the baby in the car or waiting room. It took them forever to check us in, almost two hours, during this time the cramps let up.

I was scheduled to be in by 8:15 so when I finally got up to the surgical ward they were frantic. They barked orders at me “Changeintothistakethispillwhendidyoueatlastwhatareyouallergicto?!”

And then I was off, the OR was freesing, Dr. B brought me a blanket and rubbed my arm. The surgical team was amazing, compassionate and caring. The IV was put in and then I woke up with them pulling a pipe out of my throat. I remember looking at the clock feeling relief wash over me. For days I had walked around feeling like a tomb.  
Back in the room I dozed for two hours Reese got in bed with me and slept too. When it was time to go I sat up and started to bleed. Blood was gushing out of me onto the bed. We called the nurse and she said “I don’t know!” So David called our Dr. and he prescribed anti hemorrhaging medication (cytotec), I took that and waited for it to work.We were sent home about 30 minutes later.

The recovery has been fine. Some cramping and bleeding but not much. I am very happy we had the procedure I don’t think I could have handled it at home.  I have to go back to the dr in ten days, and then we will see what he has to say.
We did ask about testing being done on the fetal tissue but they don’t do that in Namibia.

Thank you so much for all the thought and prayers, I have read each and every message you have given me strength!