With Hope.

The D&C

It may seem strange to write down the details of the surgery that removed snickers. In the last few days I have realized that I don’t know how to deal with grief this deep, I think writing it down is a way to work though it. I am terrified to talk to people about it in real life. Yesterday church was excruciating, i sat there for the whole service afraid that someone would come over. I have crying in front of people, and I knew that even a look could cause me to ugly cry. Anyway. So here I am writing down the details of the surgery, also i found posts like this very helpful in making my decision and in preparing for the procedure.

 I also want to write down everything I remember about anything that had anything to do with this child. As I sit here the IV scar on my hand is fading and that is making me inexplicably sad. I feel like there is no tangible evidence to show that this baby lived. But he or she did, inside of me. A little heart beating.

**This post may contain graphic things like bleeding, it also may be hard to follow, I am writing down what I remember**

On Friday morning we got up at 5am , I don’t think either of us slept much anyway. I took a shower, numb thinking that we were supposed to be 13 weeks, not on our way to the hospital for a dilation and curettage. We got Reese up, put him in some warm clothes and set out for the hospital. On the way my body started to go into labor or miscarriage or whatever you call it. What a ridiculous scene, a woman in the front seat breathing through painful contractions, a husband nervously speeding to the hospital all in the early morning to deliver nothing.
We got to the hospital by 6 the cramps were coming every one minute and forty seconds. I was terrified that I was going to pass the baby in the car or waiting room. It took them forever to check us in, almost two hours, during this time the cramps let up.

I was scheduled to be in by 8:15 so when I finally got up to the surgical ward they were frantic. They barked orders at me “Changeintothistakethispillwhendidyoueatlastwhatareyouallergicto?!”

And then I was off, the OR was freesing, Dr. B brought me a blanket and rubbed my arm. The surgical team was amazing, compassionate and caring. The IV was put in and then I woke up with them pulling a pipe out of my throat. I remember looking at the clock feeling relief wash over me. For days I had walked around feeling like a tomb.  
Back in the room I dozed for two hours Reese got in bed with me and slept too. When it was time to go I sat up and started to bleed. Blood was gushing out of me onto the bed. We called the nurse and she said “I don’t know!” So David called our Dr. and he prescribed anti hemorrhaging medication (cytotec), I took that and waited for it to work.We were sent home about 30 minutes later.

The recovery has been fine. Some cramping and bleeding but not much. I am very happy we had the procedure I don’t think I could have handled it at home.  I have to go back to the dr in ten days, and then we will see what he has to say.
We did ask about testing being done on the fetal tissue but they don’t do that in Namibia.

Thank you so much for all the thought and prayers, I have read each and every message you have given me strength!

Snickers.

When I lived in America I heard the phrase “lightning never strikes the same place twice,” it means something about the astronomical odds of something happening more than once. Reese was our lightning strike. The thing in my life I thought would only happen once. If you have followed this blog you know about our struggle to conceive, our dark time with infertility.

Two days before valentines day this year  I felt a little off so as a joke I took a pregnancy test in the mall. Like a teenager. Also I say “as a joke” since we were told that our chances of conceiving a child while on fertility medication was less than one percent.  Image our absolute shock when two lines showed up. When I saw the positive test I got such a fright I shoved it back into the package. You have to understand for someone with infertility in their history a positive pregnancy test is like seeing a unicorn. We walked around the mall crying and with stupid smiles on our faces. After the shock wore off we had our appointment. Everything looked great!

We decided to nickname this little one Snickers, David figured it would be a great way to get a bunch of snickers bars since people showered us with Reeses after Reese was born 🙂

At our nine week appointment we got to see little snickers waving at us and we were finally told our due date is October 25. Lightning had struck twice for us. Over the last twelve weeks I have thought over and over how blessed, lucky, fortunate and happy we are.

We have been waiting for our thirteen week appointment before announcing to the world that we were expecting our second SECOND!! child. We wanted to get a better ultrasound picture for the announcement. We announced to our parents with a picture of Reese wearing a shirt saying Big Brother! My family took a minute to catch on and then there was much tears and cheering. David’s parents cried.

Yesterday I had some bleeding so we went to go see Dr. B our very awesome doctor. When he put the probe to my stomach I could see snickers laying snugly, but a little still. Something was missing too. The little flicker. That little flutter that tells you everything is ok. That little heartbeat. Dr. B measured snickers, he was only measuring nine weeks, and five days. That means that my precious, beloved, treasured baby died about three weeks ago. When I think back to what I was doing on that day it seems so normal. I was planning a camp, we had a visiting missionary, nothing to indicate that my snickers had gone to the arms of Jesus.

David and I are shattered. They say there is no word for someone who loses a child. We lost more than a pregnancy, we lost first steps, and baby giggles, we lost snuggling and comforting, we lost Christmases and birthday parties, we lost a wedding and a college graduation, we lost our child. From the second you see those two lines you start dreaming about the future. You never wonder about whether you should have a natural miscarriage at home or go to a hospital to have them do a clinical procedure to remove the “tissue” that you loved and talked to and prayed for. You don’t wonder about whether you should put up a cross or bury a box with the outfit you bought last week. You don’t think that naming your baby will bring you to your knees or make your strong spouse shake with sobs.
There is no word for someone who loses a child because no word would be strong enough to express the pain, the loss, and the hopelessness of a baby whose heart stopped beating.

I have no idea hoe people who do not have hope in Christ deal with loss like this. We know that Snickers is in heaven and we are truly comforted by that hope. In dealing with infertility we learned that bad things happen now again we have to learn to trust and not question.

Please pray with us and for us. We are broken, in shock, numb, angry, confused, sad, and in more pain than we ever thought was possible. 

Spring break!

Lat year during the American spring break we had a team visit us from CCCB, this year one of those students returned. Raven was with us for only seven short days, but we are already looking forward to when we will see each other again. We spent the week trying to show Raven what it is like to live here full time, we left some planing for the week up to her, and did not schedule every hour of every day like we usually do when someone is visiting. The American spring break season falls right between two long weekend here in Namibia, so most of the ministries not related to school were closed down as most of the people travel to be with family during the  independence and Easter weekends. But even so Raven was able to spend some time in class with the kids at CHS. She played games with them, taught them about leadership, and even was able to do a pen pal letter exchange with several students. The big even for her time with us was a leadership camp for the grade seven students. These are the students who used to be in David’s discipleship class. We spent two days with the kids. Raven and David did games, devotionals, and used a Dr. Seuss book to illustrate what it means to be faithful. The kids loved the camp, but I think Raven may have loved it even more than they did! The highlight of the trip for us was sitting down with Raven and speaking with her about her future plans. She is an advocate for us at CCCB, she has committed to spreading the word about our ministry, is interested in recruiting people to work with us, and is looking into coming back next year for three months for her internship. (I think David’s happiest moments were when Raven revealed the mtn dew she had brought for him)
We are very excited about what the future holds for Raven, she has an incredible servant heart, loves kids and young people, is courageous (I don’t know that I would be able to travel across the globe by myself!), and is willing to go to crazy places to do what God has called her for. Please take a moment to pray for her and her future plans!